Hot Glue, Halloween, and Hilary Fucking Clinton

I know, I know. On this cold, rainy Friday morning, you've come to New Queer looking for sharp, extremely relevant political commentary. I shall not disappoint you, loyal readers. Today is Hilary Clinton's 65th birthday, a holiday second only to Tyra's birthday in this corner of the internet. To honor of the birth of America's first lady of ass-kicking, and in lieu of absolutely nothing, here's a birthday/Halloween post that ended up looking more like a love letter.

 
The editorial staff at New Queer suspects that Ms. Clinton, rock star that she is, has been too busy saving the world, teaching Barack and Joe what memes are, and looking fabulous to come up with a proper Halloween costume. Worry not, Hilz, we've come up with several options for you. Some may be more or less appropriate, depending on which of the hundreds of potential parties you're going to attend. (We won't be too offended if you don't come to ours; you can still have our presidential vote whenever you want it.) Will Danger is also a wizard with a hot glue gun, if you need any help executing these costumes.

1. Cheetara from Thundercats: Because she was always way more awesome than She-Ra. And let's face it Hil, you'd look downright foxy.

2. 1980s Hilary Clinton: Just to remind people of the time you tricked them into believing that Bill was the politician in the family.

3. Regina George from Mean Girls: Teach the boys of the White House that they can't wear a tank top two days in a row, along with, like, the rules of feminism. And let's be honest, you already have a White House burn book.

4. Amy Poehler: Turn the tables on this comedy goddess. She how she likes it, for once. 

5. Couples Costume #1- Hilary and Michelle Obama as Columbia and Magenta from The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Because I could do your sequin gluing for you and because I would really like to see Michelle with giant Diana Ross hair. And I bet you could do a pretty great Time Warp if you got Raul Esparza to sing the Riff Raff part.

6. Ann Romney: How much fucking fun would that be? You could talk about dressage horses all night.

7. Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty: It might be too late to rent a raven by next Wednesday, but this would still be a strong costume idea, especially if your Halloween plans involve standing atop the White House and cackling at how you run the world.

8. A giant pantsuit: Because fuck off, 2008 political commentary, you're Hilary Clinton and you'll wear what you damn well please.

9. Joan Jett: Because you're a fucking rock star and "Bad Reputation" is your pump-up song before every public appearance. You don't give a damn.

10. Courtney Love: You'd get to chain smoke with Barack all night and, admit it, "Doll Parts" is your ringtone when Bill calls.

11. Governor Chris Christie: Sure, you'd get in some great digs at this possible future presidential contender. Mostly, though, you'd dress up as the Governor to remind people that his future defeat has absolutely nothing to do with his body-type. 2016 belongs to you because you eat politicians like Chris Christie for breakfast.

12. Couples Costume #2- Hil, Michelle, and Ann Coulter as Baby, Scary, and Sporty Spice: Because she's the devil, poor Ann often gets left out of group costumes, and even when she's included it's usually because Sarah Palin needs someone to play bass in her Kiss cover band. Reach way way way across the aisle and invite her to join you for a little Girl Power. You'd look great. Plus in those giant platform shoes, you'd tower over all the dudes in the room.

What do you think, readers? I know most of you prefer to be silent blog spectators, but weigh in here. Surely I've missed some really fantastic costumes. Anyone want to do their patriotic duty and help me glue sequins to the Secretary of State? Your country needs you!

Seriously, Hilz. Please come to the New Queer Halloween Party. Our friends would just die.

An Introduction, Some (Light) Gaga Bashing, and the Homosexual Steamroller

Welcome, folks, to this obscure and totally un-recommendable slice of the internet. I find it equal parts appropriate and terrifying that my inaugural post comes on Valentine's Day, but that ratio seems appropriate for such a blog.

An introduction is in order: This is New Queer on the Block, and I want to be transparent about the fact that I am unsure what this project might turn out to be, though I am hopeful. My title is meant to suggest two things (three, if it registers to you my lack of creativity on a deadline). First, I intend this blog to contain my own musings and perceived queernesses, indulging my love of both trashy pop-culture and books (speaking of books, this is too good not to share).  Secondly, my title should warn you of my relative newness/inexperience, so while I think you'll find I am quite opinionated, it seems important to frame these opinions with the fact that I am a college student who, let's face it, may not be particularly in touch with the real world.

As I'm sure you've gathered, Will Danger is a thinly veiled pseudonym, behind which stands an exceedingly cynical college student who lies about his middle name, mouths off about things he doesn't really understand, and watches way too much Law and Order (SVU, of course). Welcome, and God bless those of you who are still reading.

Shall we dive right in? Anyone connected to a facebook/twitter feed has undoubtedly been made aware that Lady Gaga is at it again. I'll refrain from embedding the video here because, frankly, I don't want to watch it again. Whether I like the video or not is irrelevant though. My question here is, what do we make of Lady Gaga's attachment to the gay community, especially gay men? She seems to have located the gays as a cash cow, which she is now proceeding to milk dry. To be totally honest, I find Lady Gaga's convenient sexual tourism to be border-line offensive. Regardless of her own sexuality (I'm told she may be bisexual, though I am unable to find a reputable link to confirm this), this just seems like a dangerous bit of exploitation on her part. Plus, who on earth would wear something like this and deny that it's an effort? She just woke up one morning wearing a Kermit T. Frogg dress. Weird.

Secondly, the message of her new single, "Born this Way" might be both dangerous and uninformed. Do we really need someone fueling the flames of the etiology debate? If I decide to put on my blonde wig and 10 inch stilettos and spend my weekends riding the DC metro in Baby Spice drag, it hardly matters if I'm hard-wired to do so. Maybe bone up on some Foucault or D'Emilio, and then decide if you still think "born that way" or "choose to be that way" are your only options. What if you weren't born that way, Lady Gaga? What if you work hard to construct an outfit entirely of meat and figure out exactly where to wear it to set the most people a-talkin? Is it still ok?

In an effort to create the illusion of fairness, I will say that I think it's obvious that the gay community can count Gaga as a friend, and, if the number of gay folks who put on their boogie shoes to her beats on a weekly basis is any indication, she has certainly done quite a bit of good. I just wonder how much cultural or political capital we're supposed to invest in someone who is really just Madonna, part-two.

I'll close on another introductory note. This comic pretty perfectly embodies the (intended) spirit of this blog. The perfect mix of absurdity and militancy!

Be good(ish) folks,

Will Danger